| Really |
[10 Feb 2008|09:25pm] |
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fuck you and fuck off. I don't need your shit. I'm done. and don't think I'm stupid. You fucking piece of shit.
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| Why is it that.... |
[18 Jan 2008|10:49am] |
Someone, who I'm sorry but has no redeeming values whatsoever, can manage to manipulate the one man that I really really have given a shit about into believing all of her lies? Not just once but time and time again. At the risk of losing me? Haaahahhhaaa Now realistically speaking, I know he knows full well that I will always come back, and that there's perhaps nothing that could actually make me hate him, short of him telling me to my face that he just doesn't care and never actually did. I suppose I can't blame him. I understand that people have emotion. And sometimes we care about people in this life that we maybe shouldn't, and sometimes don't even want to or understand why we do. I just don't understand why you wouldn't try to free yourself of a liar.
I mean, shit, every time he lies to me I think about saying FUCK THIS and running. I don't; but at least I think about it.
But here's the thing, it would be DRASTICALLY different if she was someone I could find some kind of decency in. But i can't. He's had girlfriends upon girlfriends in the time that I have known him. And yes, he's cheated on all of them with me. But at times I felt bad. Some of them were really nice girls and there I was, sleeping with their boyfriend, possibly harassing them, and generally hurting them, when they didn't deserve it.
Well some did. I must say I love being the one with enough power to break hearts.
I don't know. It seems that all this has just made me more cynical tan i already was, not to say that cynicism is a bad thing because I love it, but I'm sure it bothers some of the people I spend my time with. Right now i just want to get up and out and not let all tis bullshit get to me.
But i do have this to say, I don't have to worry, because i know my patterns. Yeah i got alot more riding on it this time, but never ever underestimate me. Especially when I'm pissed.
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| I'm so close to saying fuck it. |
[15 Jan 2008|02:28pm] |
Every time I start to think it's okay, and that we're finally past that part in our lives, it happens again. Maybe, if i just don't ever let my guard down it won't happen.
Oh fun, life stuck in preternatural worry. Fuck it.
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[01 Jan 2008|05:23pm] |
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I hate this world.
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[27 Dec 2007|10:44pm] |
It's really rather disheartening when I find out things what I should have known prior.
There's this nasty fucking slut, Tera, who needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth off certain people's dicks. Oh wait, sorry hunny he's with me now. Looks like you were just cheap and easy. :) Used much? heh. But in all honesty, if I do see your face again, my fist will go through it.
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[26 Dec 2007|11:14pm] |
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Someone just cut out my heart. I don't know what to do anymore.
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[21 Dec 2007|05:09pm] |
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So yeah, me and Zach are together. I'm kinda excited about that one, let's see how it goes. :)
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| I don't ever make up good subjects anymore, it's a waste of my time. |
[17 Dec 2007|12:08pm] |
I wonder what it would have been like to be born normal. What if I didn't have episodes? Or disassociate? Or my cognitive memory actually worked correctly? Perhaps I'd got bored with myself.
Oh, undoubtedly I would.
Regardless, something feels like it's wrong. Now, i don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me or not.
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| Why is it that? |
[17 Dec 2007|02:28am] |
When I meet new people, my mind seems to function enough that I can actually let free my true self? I'm nervous, constantly, but there's something about being around someine who doesn't know shit about me, that makes me able to revert, with out thinking, to being a funny little asshole. It basically annoys the fuck out of me though how I have such a difficult time relaxing anymore. It's not that I have to put up a front or something to that affect around my friends, because I don't. I just... I'm not so sure.
I think it's my like, undying fear of rejection. Like if I act the way I feel most comfortable, then it's going to make everyone else feel uncomfortable because I'm well, overbearing sometimes, at best. I'm loud and i love it. I'm insane. And go fuck yourself if you care. lol. I tend to steal the show at times. And I don't mind. But it makes people mad because I steal friends and break up relationships. Oh well, idk, I don't try to.
all the time....
Heh. I'm out.
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| so yeah |
[15 Dec 2007|07:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
crappy random chinese music |
] |
I'm still generally very annoyed by the existance of certain people and how fucking paranoid it makes me. However right now I'm actually feeling much better about myself because I dropped two pant sizes and I'm actually even closer to three now. So eat your heart out bitches. Lol.
Other than that, I'm still feeling kind of disorented. It just plain blows how I have to have all this random shit wrong with me and even though I say I love it, I really can't deal with it sometimes.
I've just got a lot in my head. And even more to come.
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[04 Dec 2007|04:25am] |
I don't want to be just another one of those girls who got to him. I don't want be lumped into some group of people who meant 'something' that was supposedly more than some other people.
I'd really like to have my own category. I think after everything that I deserve something. I mean, I don't think I was ever really asking for that much and now in all reality, I'm not asking for anything. I am just waiting.
Which honestly, feels shitty. Quite often, but whatever, I'm hoping it's worth it. Maybe it's not even waiting that feels shitty, maybe it's just the fact that I think I'm shitty.
I've gotten to the point where I disgust myself so much that I can't deal with it anymore.
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[04 Dec 2007|04:23am] |
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Honestly, I don't get it. I thought maybe there was redeeming value, but damn. You are down right ugly. Your smile looks like that of a witch. Oh and you're fat. STAY FUCKING DONE FOR ONCE.
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[25 Nov 2007|09:14pm] |
I'm begining to think that I'm rather pathetic. I miss him, and I dropped him off only a half an hour ago.
regardless, I love it when people do things like screw someone they just met that day. I also love to think about how fucked up they are, and how half of my friends are going straight to hell. Not even in a handbasket, at that.
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| now for something completely different. |
[24 Nov 2007|05:25pm] |
I'm really loving how this girl has the audacity to call me a fat ugly bitch, when she's not so much the looker herself. Oh and I fit in her shorts that she gave to him, so how fat does that make her??
Not that it doesn't completely make me feel like shit, because it does. It really does. Here I am, trying my damnedest to lose weight, keep my job, and keep my sanity, and I have to deal with this? I really don't appreciate it.
It's like, wow, I finally get over myself and stop talking so much shit about her and she's got to do that.
Thanks bitch. I love you too.
hahahahaha, fuck you. We had the best sex ever yesterday.
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[22 Nov 2007|09:34pm] |
I'm really just praying to go that she's not there. But I'm so fucking scared she is.
but I'm gonna see him tomorrow.
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| So yeah, third times some fucking charm. |
[15 Nov 2007|10:38pm] |
So here we are again, thinking that everything is starting to gi right and I find out he's been fucking her and me. Obviously you can see the excitement filling me right now. I just honestly can't believe this, the third fucking time. This is the third time this has happened. And all I get from him when he confesses is an, "I don't know."
So here it is, the defining moment. He's got to decide. He nows he has to, and right now I just don't know what to think. I've tried so hard I kept my promises, and I got my shit straight,
Now what?
And while I'd love it, I don't expect him to choose me. I just don't feel good enough. I want to bawl my fucking eyes out. But I can't he's sleeping over tonight. So I think I'll hide, throw a pity party in the bathroom and then return. I just hate waiting.
And still I love him.
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[14 Nov 2007|03:47pm] |
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I had some great revelation today. then I forgot it. damn.
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| Um yeah. |
[13 Nov 2007|11:56pm] |
I'm up and then I'm so far down I almost don't know how to fish myself back out. I'm sick of always being on an emotional roller coaster. I mean, I've always loved, and used, my bi-polar disorder. But sometimes, just sometimes I just wish I could spend a day, not being crazy, if nothing else to know what it's like to be normal.
It's like I am pushing so hard and not getting the results I want. I'm not losing weight fast enough. I wanted to be alot smaller by christmas, and I don't feel like it's going to happen. I mean it's November and i still can only fit into my jeans from when I was doing coke all the time. Which, ys, is smaller than what I was wearing, but still, it's not what I wore two years ago. If i was there, I'd be okay with myself. I'd still want to losr a descent amount of weight, but I'd be smaller than I am and feel right now.
It's really hard sometimes. But I'll just keep looking in the warped mirror in Sara's dad's pool room and remind myself what I'm working towards.
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| *Sigh* |
[04 Nov 2007|11:37pm] |
I wish that you could somehow understand all these intentions in my head, even though I know you probably never will.
I love you still, as always.
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| Yeah. |
[23 Oct 2007|10:55pm] |
I wish that everyone would realize that you're nothing but a piece of shit hunny. So go home, get your shit together and leave my fucking town alone. Or I'm going to single handedly make sue that everyone knows you're nothing but a liar and a desperate slut.
Kay? Thanks. Note * followed by over accentuated
flip of hair and mildly rude giggle*
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